Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise