After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Well, this is awkward
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
notice
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?