Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Velcrow
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free