Anyone else having a near life experience today?
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Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee