“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
You Might Also Like
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee