I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Who.
Did.
This?
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.