WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
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Sorry. Not sorry
what it’s like dating me:
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
he chose this
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”