I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
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“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”