It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
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About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.