“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Me too
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Yup.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.