My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.