Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
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I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Geez man, take it easy.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
this is so top tier i cant
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now