TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.