4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
That earthquake could have been an email.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
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“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.