After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Good morning, Twitter x
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me