[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
fixed it
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Always leave them wanting their money back.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*