Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
bias laundering edition
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot