Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
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Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin