Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
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UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.