Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
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Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I told my vodka about you.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Remember folks 😂
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car