This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
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i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.