“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
You Might Also Like
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you