i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
You Might Also Like
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
🙄😏😂🤣
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
then why did i get this email
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.