me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
what it’s like dating me:
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”