POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
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maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters