Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
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My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
ready to be harvested
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school