*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I only look at Wordle for the articles
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?