Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
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i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle