“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
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Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
*jingles half the way*
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’