This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish