That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
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cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
ATMs should have breathalyzers
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
uh oh
pelicons
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life