I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate