Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
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Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.