My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”