My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
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Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.