Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
You Might Also Like
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I love twitter
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.