The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
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who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
“What movie?” 🤔
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe