coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
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Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
What flavor cupcake are these
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.