A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
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Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
A collection of me turning into random objects.