If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
mood
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Thank you corporation very cool
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Easy enough.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine