A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
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Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin