[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
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If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
🙁
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Google assistant rules
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast