Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
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DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope