9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …