A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park