every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
You Might Also Like
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
The A string on my guit_r is flat