My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
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jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.