I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
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When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.