Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
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When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
S M O L
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.