*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
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I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
These work great until they don’t.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.